In the world of complexity where everyone is unique, choosing the right person, right man or woman or choosing the right partner in a marriage can be the most challenging and most exciting part of one’s life. There will always be uncertainty. Why? Because no one would really know whether or not a person you fall in love with is truthful.
Unfortunately, we can only speculate and hope that a person we want to be in our life is genuine. Beyond guessing and hoping nothing else we can do. Even psychological tests are not free from flaws. No matter how good the psychometric property of those tests is, they cannot tell us a hundred percent truth. Again, our course of action depends on our instinct and hope. Hope that we find the right person.
Nonetheless, there are some useful tips we (you) can use in choosing the right person for marriage. To me, the most important thing that we (you) should see on someone’s behavior is respect. Although there are several traits you might prefer, respect is most important of all.
Because a person who respects you treats you well. If a person treats you in a nice and fairway, your relationship will surely flourish. If you look at statistical reports, the leading cause of divorce incidents around the world is lack of respect.
The question is; how can we (you) determine or know that a person respects you? What are the signs? Well, there are many. Below is the list of several characteristics of a person who will respect you.
The characteristics of a right person:
- Supports on everything you do; your goals and aspirations in life
- Keep intimacy, secrets and never let you put in embarrassing situations
- Treats you as an equal part of a relationship and does everything to please you
- Shares feelings and opinions with you and hides nothing
- Does not confine you in a small world; instead allows you to have social interaction with your friends and new acquaintances
- Does not dictate you what to do but supports you if change or adjustment is needed
- Accepts your sexuality, values, and opinions
- Does not abuse you in any form
- Does not demean or insult you
- Tells you the truth
- Shows effort to be close to your family and other people important to you
- A good listener when you talk or share your problems or happiness
- Boosts your self-esteem whenever you feel emotionally down
- Takes responsibility and does not make any excuses when commits mistakes
- Cares your feelings
These characteristics are seen in people who are good-natured. Unfortunately, respect is not a one-way process. It is not acquired but earned. You cannot expect respect unless you act as a respectful one. In other words, people will respect you if you do the same to them. Therefore respect is a mutual undertaking – both parties must practice it. Do not require your partner to respect you if you do not respect him/her. It will not work that way. Therefore respect starts with you – always.
Surely, respect is one of the most significant criteria for seeking the right person to marry. But aside from it, of course, there are some other things you need to consider. With this being said, I would like to incorporate some tips in order to find the right person.
7 simple tips for finding the right person to marry
1. Date plenty of different people
Yes, you need to expand your world, spend the time to involve in social interactions. This allows you to get acquainted with many people. During this process, you’ll get the chance to mingle with people who are also looking for a relationship. It’s like shopping in the mall, you do window shopping first before you actually buy something. The more you date, the better the opportunity to find the best person. There’s no need to hurry. You’ve got plenty of time (unless you’re 30 years old or older). Marriage is not an emergency thing. Take your time to choose the right person. Remember, you only have one shot. If you miss it, you’ll fail. So be smart.
2. Find people with the same passion
Some psychological theories suggest that it is easier to like and be liked by other people who have the same passion as you do. If you love music, for example, people who love music will most likely find you more likable and interesting than your counterparts who are not passionate about music. Marriage needs a good foundation. If you choose a person who has the same passion as you do, they may be, there will be no considerable conflict that you’ll come across in your marriage. It will at least keep you on the same page.
3. Date one person for at least a year
The reason why you should date the same person for a long period of time is that knowing other people is harder than knowing yourself. It takes time. Remember that everyone is unique. Chances are, every person you meet has different aspiration, behavior, emotional sensitivity, etc. The most challenging reality is that no one will disclose his/her true personality or behavior at first meeting.
One of the most influential theorists in psychology, Carl Jung suggests that everyone has what he called the “shadow”. A shadow is a characteristic of a person that he/she tends to hide. Why? Because most of the time, a shadow is a negative trait. As a result, people tend to conceal it. You can only see the negative trait of a person when you hang with him/her for a long period of time. This is a critical step in finding the right person for you. You’ve got to be sure enough before you marry a certain person.
4. Know his/her family
We are all guided by our parents as we grow. Our attitudes, behavior, personality or whatever you call it, is molded in our home. So if we go out, we bring that personality with us. We show to the world not only our personality but also the parenting styles of our parents. So if you want to know a person better, you need to analyse his/her family of origin. This is the best way to examine his/her personality. And the best way to understand your future partner. Better understanding makes it easier for you to make some adjustments if necessary if conflict arises. Visit his/her family during holidays such as Christmas, Thanksgiving and birthday celebrations. This is the best time to interact with them.
5. Live together for at least 2 years
Although some people might disagree in this suggestion, living together before marriage is pretty helpful to know your partner better. Remember that knowing a person’s real personality is a complex and difficult process. Living with him/her together allows you to size up the quality of relationship between the two of you. If possible, forget societal norm. Some people believe that it is immoral. Well, that’s a religious norm. What you need is a practical and logical thinking. Sometimes, “social cliche” does not work. Be radical. Think of your own welfare.
All of these tips are merely hypothetical but it works for me. If you ask people who have successful marriage, you’ll find the same suggestions. But the best advice I can give you to find the right person is; don’t seek, wait. Because if you deliberately look the right one, you might find it more like a frustrating work than an exciting one. Life will give you right timing. If that happens, just grab it without hesitation. Love has its own right time and place. Don’t rush!
I’m a licensed psychometrician, author, and blogger. I’m currently working as a University instructor teaching psychology. I love writing and doing psychological research.